What's the Plan Superman?
by onecouldn'tsee
Summary: General recap/rantage 2x22.  Spoilers, teeth, yet less hateful than usual...go figure.  T for language.  Enjoy.


I would just like to begin by saying that I didn't watch this when it was first on. I taped it and watched it later. It'll probably come up because I'm already enjoying the perks.

We start off with..what else? Elena. Who saw that coming? People that don't even watch the show? Okay. Cut to Jeremy in bed. (We all know I don't mind that) but Elena is watching him from the doorway. Nice. Set a good example for him by being a total creeper. She walks to Jenna's empty room which is just fucking depressing. Her bed is all made and there's lavender sitting on the dresser. She would have an immaculate room. Used to have time for that shit with all the non child rearing she did. I know I know. Jenna's dead. I should be nice. I'm staying angry cos yeah I didn't like her but her death was a complete and total waste. Pointless. I'll move on now. She closes the door and walks down the hall and Damon pops up like a fucking poltergeist. I am so sick of these two. Really. *sigh* They talk quietly (Jer is sleeping don't cha know) and Damon says he needs to apologize. Elena's resistant because let's face it she's jerking him around like a child with a brand new puppy and she knows it's wrong. We all do. I've already paused this scene three times. That's how much I can't stand the Delena. Aah..silence. Damon says he needs her forgiveness and Elena says she needs time…maybe a lot of time. Oh yeah…what's the one thing our loveable bad boy vampire doesn't have? ANY FUCKING TIME. (I'll pretend that I don't know Damon's going to make it. Let the writer's think they're doing _something _right) Damon tells her to take all the time she needs. We all know Damon would tell her to slit his throat if it'd make her content for one fucking fraction of a second.

Ahem.

Title card.

Here's where I smile for the second time of the ep. (Gotta be a record.) But we already had sleeping Jer and now we have Ingrid Michaelson's Turn to Stone. Great song. Cliché use but great song. Damon arrives back at Elena's house…err, Damon's house and takes off his jacket. He looks through his cabinet of blood? What? Won't that like…rot? I mean come on. Are we taking on the laws of basic biology now? Damon takes a bottle out and drinks some, he makes a noise and I'm thinking it's cos the blood has gone bad but no, he's checking out his gnarly werewolf bite. I'm with ya Damon. If Tyler bit me I wouldn't wash it either. He paces over to the windows and opens the curtains before standing there stoically. He takes off his ring and drops it to the floor before letting himself burn. Could look cool…I'm thinking cliché though. I think this show and I just need a break due to creative differences… Anyways, Stefan tackles him and they roll around a bit. Typical Salvatore bickering. Stefan throws him in the dungeon, unexpected I admit it, and says he's not dying today. "What's the plan superman?" Fav line so far. Possibly the title of this recap. We'll see if they beat it out later. Stefan says they'll find a way. *Hero Forehead* He informs us that Bonnie is looking for a cure, anything. Damon actually references Stefan's hero complex. Either this show has become painfully predictable…or I'm just that good. You decide. Damon coughs enough to hack up a lung and tells Stefan to say goodbye and get it over with. Stefan tells him to lie still and think of England. Wait…pretty sure that's from something else.

Cut to Klaus waking up in the woods. Naked. Adorable. Expression like a kid in a candy store. Bravo. Some clothes are tossed his way and we see Elijah. That beautiful Benedict Arnold himself. These two brothers…well they could give the Salvatores a run for their money. Nuff said. Klaus looks rather pleased with himself. Apparently it's been two days and he can change at will. He also remembers every single kill. Elijah references their bargain. They bicker. I like how Klaus says Elijah tho, eli-ja. Adorable. I'm sensing some tension. What with the attempted murder and Klaus being all around evil, bound to happen. Klaus tells him to lighten up, he also says that Elijah will soon be reunited with their family. Why am I thinking he doesn't mean that in the way that we want him to mean that?

Cut to two hands fighting over a bottle of booze and I chuckle here cos I can't really help it. I know Ric has lost someone recently but he's been referred to as an alcoholic before now and well…he's living up to it. His phone rings and he answers (with the bottle in one hand) by saying "I'm sorry, you've reached somebody who's currently not operating." Stefan says, "I need your help." Ric shoots back with "Oh you must have me confused with somebody else. You see I'm not allowed to help, just idly sit by while my girlfriend gets sacrificed on an alter of blood." He's dealing with this…well? Poor Ric. Stefan tells him that Damon is dying and that Tyler bit him. HE DIDN'T MEAN TO. COME ON. Ric asks how he can help. Awe. Put the bottle down Ric. Admit that you have a problem. This is really an intervention. How great would that be?

Cut to the middle of town where OH MY FREAKING GOD. THEY. ARE. NOT. Gone With the Wind? SERIOUSLY? You may be having a faint tickling in your brain right now. Yes. It is Damon's fav book. He does have a worn copy sitting by his bed. You picturing him with really slender reading glasses reading it by candlelight? No? Moving on. I swear to holy baby Jesus if anyone major is dressed up… There is not a threat bad enough. I'm serious. Oh dear God. It's so much worse than it sounds. I want to throw up…but I'm terrified my vomit will have ruffles. Emerging from the ridiculous are Jer and Elena. I'm so glad they have a scene together. Cuteness. So apparently they're having a film screening. And people are dressing up and having picnics. Alright. May I point out that it's broad daylight? Is the sun going to vanish again like it did week before last? Elena says they have to pretend to be normal. Jer is skeptical. Come on Jer. She's _trying _to do something productive without anyone dying. Let's all get behind her. Caroline appears and she's just fantastic. She has a whole monologue that ties their lives to Gone With the Wind because Jer is still skeptical. While doing this she recaps. WE ALREADY KNOW THIS. But it's Caroline. She does it well. God bless her. Jeremy sighs heavily and accepts. Awe. They all settle down for picnic nom noms.

Meanwhile, cut to the super creepy abandoned mansion. Look it's Bonnie. She's not sure "this" is going to work. Stefan and she are doing a séance to find a cure. Can I just say how glad I am that Bonnie and Jeremy actually have scenes *gasp* WITHOUT EACH OTHER? Thank God. It's about freaking time. Can I pray that this is ushering in the end of Boremy? Huzzah! *fingers crossed* Oh look, Bonnie is being possessed again. Lovely. She says there's no spell. She also says maybe it's his time to die. Stefan argues with her. Gotta say, Paul is rocking it here. Good job man. You know he's doing good if I'm saying it. Bonnie collapses dramatically. The witches don't want them there cos she's abusing the power. What do they need it for? Sending rain to the desert? Apparently there is a cure. And it's something to do with Klaus. Yay? Honestly they could have said you need the left eye of a leprechaun, a cast signed poster from High School Musical 3, hair clippings from a zebra, and the tear of an apathetic vampire. It probably would have given me the same reaction.

Oh look, it's Carol Lockwood. I pause to titter to myself cos she's still wearing that stupid sling. You've been injured in any way? Here! Wear this blue sling! It totally clashes with her dress too… Tsk tsk. She's meeting up with Momma Forbes. Are they announcing Worst Parent of Mystic Falls today? With Jenna dead and Matt's mom gone again one of them is a shoo in! Nope. Carol is pissed cos she's not seeing any progress on the whole vampire thing. If only she knew what was right under her own roof. Let's all pray she never finds out. More bickering. She tells the sheriff to take care of it. *rolls eyes* Two quick points. One. In what government does the mayor's wife become mayor? Seriously? Who the fuck elected her? Second. My hands always want to type campfire instead of vampire. If you randomly see campfire, you know why. Oh and also, Carol is being extra bitchy in this scene. Don't you love it when they completely change a character to suit one episode's needs? We've never seen her like this and I highly doubt it's the sling cutting off circulation to her too small heart.

Back at the movie Jeremy has disappeared cos the writers hate me. Stefan wants Elena to walk with him. She says he's breaking the rules and that tomorrow they can return to their regularly scheduled drama. Hit that one on the head. Stefan says it can't wait. He spills the beans about Damon. Surprise surprise. Elena actually looks genuinely upset. Who will I toy with now? Stefan says there may be a cure he has to go Klaus tho. Elena says Klaus will kill him and here we go again with the 'it's my fault he's a vampire…wah wah…I owe it to Damon..wah..' They hug and Stefan tells Elena to go talk to Damon cos there's still hope. FFS man, don't enable her! Jesus.

Cut to Damon in the dungeon and is he..? Yup, hallucinations are starting. This should be fun… He's seeing Katherine. Are we surprised? She asks him to unknot her corset. Hoor. She asks if he will miss her and he says he will. She says she'll miss him and he says Stefan will be here. Kat asks if it's so wrong to want them both? Yes. Der. In comes Elena? Alrighty. She says Kat was toying with him. DER. *recaps* Gawd. Elena says that Damon had a choice and he could have said no. But he says yes. Then he wakes up in the cell. Well that was pointless. Maybe it will make sense later…? He looks at his bite. Still there. Still looks bad.

Stefan goes to see Kat, who is still under compulsion. He just strolls right into Ric's place. When was he invited in? He and Kat bicker. Jesus Christ enough with the bickering. We get it, you all hate each other and are only together by force. Act like adults. Especially you adults. FFS. Klaus and Elijah come in. When was Elijah invited in? We know he needs it cos he had that whole heart attack thing. Far as I know, Ric is still alive. Still need an invite. Plot hole you can drive a truck through? RIGHT HERE. Omg. Did Ric die? Has he passed out in a puddle of his own vomit? OH NO! Naw, he's gotta still be around somewhere. Stefan says he needs help for Damon. This goes over well. As you would imagine. Klaus is all like bitch please. I got shit to deal with. He says he needs to help his own bro out. Elijah says some crap about the importance of family and that he's been promised TO BE REUINTED WITH HIS FAMILY. READ THE FUCKING SMALL PRINT DUDE. Klaus comes up and stabs him with the dagger. That's right. None of the rules apply anymore. *sigh* So Elijah dies again. Damn. And Klaus pins Stefan to the wall. "Now…what shall I do with you?"

We come back from commercial and Klaus is stabbing Stefan in the stomach. "Do you feel that? It's scraping against your heart. The slightest little movement…and you're dead." Hm. Well. Can't really say anything there. Kat actually defends him. Hm. Interesting. Stefan asks Klaus to make him a deal, anything, for the cure. This sounds familiar. Hmmm. *rubs chin* Ah yes. Supernatural. Season 2. You feeling it? One brother…making a deal…for the life of another? Moving on. Klaus says that they way Stefan is now he's just shy of useless. He says it really creepily too. Which I guess makes sense. It'd be pretty bad if he was laughing his ass off while he was talking… He's also drinking blood. Foreshadowing?

Cut to Damon. Ric pops up. These two are seriously adorable. "Well that looks bad." *groan* "It feels worse. My subconscious is haunting me Ric. Please tell me that you have something for that." *slight chuckle* Good thing you asked the town alcoholic. "Double shot." "That's good." Damon again mentions that Stefan is trying to save him. He tells Ric that he should want him to die. It's Damon's fault Jenna is dead. Can I just say they're both rocking this scene? And there's a fucking door between them. Damn. Ric says he doesn't blame him and it becomes apparent that Damon is trying to provoke him when he mentions Isobel. "You must really hate me for that one." "Okay, give me your glass. Neither one of us is drunk enough for that conversation." Nice one. Damon reaches through the bars and grabs Ric's neck, begging him to kill him. Ric returns with "Screw you." Well they definitely kicked the cuteness down a notch… Ric was apparently expecting it cos he sticks him with vervain. Damon groans and breathes Elena's name right before he passes out. Ric tells him Elena's not there right now.

In another horrible transition, someone's just pulled in. Wonder who that is. It's Elena! But she hears a rustling! Oh no! It's the Sheriff? Leave it to her to not even be able to sneak up silently. Jesus.

Back with Damon and Ric Damon is groaning that he needs blood. Ric goes to get him some and is stopped by the Sheriff who has her gun and questions where Damon is. Please tell me she already plugged Elena… Ric says she doesn't have time. Luckily, she's brought a deputy with her. He found Damon. Ric tells them not to go in but it's Mystic Falls. People have very convenient hearing here. She sees him on the floor and then goes in. Surprise surprise he's not there once the door is open. He says hello and throws her to the floor.

Back at the movie Bonnie Jer and Caroline are bored. They get a call from Ric who says Damon is on the loose and Elena is in danger. Sounds cool. Bonnie says that if Damon is bad it's too dangerous for his little puppy face and they need to handle it. He gets angry. I'm a tough guy now! *rawr* Jeremy. Jeremy. You know I love you. But let's not put your precious life in danger. Agreed? Sit back and let the supernatural creatures that you're oh so fond of do the work. He points out that he stayed behind and Jenna still died. He's not staying behind again. No kisses for you Bonnie!

Back with Stefan and Klaus Klaus is describing a vamp he used to know who was always on and off the wagon. Methinks I know what he's going to ask our lovely Angel knockoff. "Sound familiar?" Klaus questions. DER. The deal is that Stefan needs to drink blood and go with Klaus. Prolly not good. Klaus bites Kat and then feeds her his blood which cures it. Nice. "You want your cure? There it is." "Your blood is the cure?" Seriously Stefan? "Gotta love mother nature." They go off to chat.

We catch up with Damon who's wandering around the movie screening. Why is there always an event when vampires are on the loose? Really? But you gotta love the irony. It's his favorite book. He is not looking too good tho. Hallucinations of Katherine galore. Jeremy catches up with him and helps him away.

Elena is at the police station. When the fuck did she get there? The Sheriff is awake and also there. Elena asks about Damon. The Sheriff asks why she cares. MORE BICKERING. Ugh. There's been a public sighting of Damon. Elena pleads to let her go. The Sheriff says to keep her there.

Cut to Jer and Damon who are at the grill. In busts the Sheriff and she shoots just in time for Damon to blur out of the way and for her to shoot Jeremy right in the chest. …

Are you serious? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Momma Forbes is freaking out and so am I. Caroline and Bonnie bust in. Bonnie is already crying which was just really fast. Caroline bites her wrist but it's already too late. He's dead.

Coming back from commercial we see Ric come into the grill. Jer is still dead. Ric says oh my God. Bonnie says she knows what to do. She tells Ric to grab him and they leave.

Back at the police station Elena busts out by breaking a window. LIKE I FUCKING CARE.

Back with Klaus and Stefan Klaus wants him to drink. "A decade long bender." I STILL DON'T FUCKING CARE. Stefan drinks with him. I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE! Apparently Stefan follows every order and Klaus gives him the cure. Don't care. Kat watches as Stefan drains blood bag after blood bag.

Back at the creepy mansion we finally see Jeremy again. Bonnie says there is a spell if the witches give her the power. But they're angry. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. YOU SAVE MY JEREMY. They say there will be consequences for using the power. Why do I not like the sound of that? Bonnie continues. First good thing I've seen her do. She's bleeding but she keeps going, begging for help and crying. I like her a bit more. She says she loves him and she's stroking his face. Hate her again. The candles go out and she's crying and crying. But Jer opens his eyes. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO DO THAT EXACTLY? NO REASON. NONE. He asks what happened. They're both smiling. I'm just….check back later.

Meanwhile Elena is running around. Great idea. Damon catches up. He's really looking bad. More hallucinations of Kat. Kat gives him her blood. He says he chooses her. Cut back to Elena. Cut back to Kat. Now he's drinking Elena's blood and now he's back out of it. Good timing. He drops to his knees. Still looking really bad. But Elena is hugging him, which let's face it, is a bad idea. Still bleeding chick. Whatever.

Caroline and her mom are having a lovely chat. I still don't care. This show has so crossed the line. She tells her mom Jer is alive. They talk about Caroline being a vampire. They hug. Awe.

STILL PISSED AT YOU TVD.

Cut to Jeremy in bed. He's binging back from the dead. Really? Bonnie pops up on video chat. Really? Why do I watch this show? Someone come save me from myself… Jesus. Jer says he's trying to figure out what's wrong. He feels different. I've got both eyes on you TVD, stop fucking with my boys. Haven't they been through enough? Jeremy says thanks and Bonnie says he can thank her tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that… *hurl* Bonnie and Jeremy laugh disgustingly and say goodnight. Thank God. Ric comes to see if he needs anything. Jer says he's all good. Ric doesn't believe him and it's really cute when he says he'll crash there tonight. Jeremy thanks him for everything. Awe. Ric quotes Bonnie and Jeremy throws a pillow at him. IT'S OFFICAL. I LOVE ALARIC. DONE DEAL. He laughs normally and it's adorable when Bonnie's not involved.

Cut to Damon and Elena. Cos I haven't suffered enough this episode. Clearly. He tells her to leave. She says no. Are they really still fighting? She is not climbing in bed with him. Really? Really? Really? Damon says it's his own fault. No one forced him to love Kat. It was his choice and he made the wrong one. Elena shushes him. Damon says to tell Stefan he's sorry. :(

Speaking of Stefan. He's still guzzling down blood. Not looking too good. They're going to actually make the deal now. Great… Klaus wants him to leave town. He drinks another bag of blood. Klaus gives Kat the cure and tells her to take it to Damon…but it's also permission for her to leave. Stefan says she'll never take it to him. Klaus shrugs. Nice.

Back with Damon and Elena there's a whiny song playing and he tells her he deserves to die. Whoopdie shit. She lays down NEXT TO HIM. Hoor. And says no he doesn't. Uhhh..okayyy? He says he does but it's okay because if he hadn't made all the wrong decisions he wouldn't have met her. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? OMFG. I NEED SOME JEREMY OR TYLER STAT…OR I'M GOING TO FLATLINE. YOU GUYS. I CAN'T DO THIS….UGGHHHHHH. He apologizes for hurting her and she says it's okay that she forgives him. THIS SHOW HAS GOT TO BE KIDDING. THEY'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. HOLY FUCK. Damon says he knows she loves Stefan but then he mumbles something I honestly don't know or care. He tells her he loves her and that she should know that. She says she does. Um, that's because it's obvious. And then, Ian Somerhalder says the best line of this scene, that almost makes it okay. "You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me." But then Elena ruins it. "I like you now. Just the way you are." Jesus. She did not just say the most predictable line EVER. There are no words…to describe my suffering. She did not just kiss him. Really? Really? REALLY! He thanks her and she says you're welcome. I've never been so glad to see Kat in my life. She's brought the cure for reasons unknown. Kat tells them that Stefan gave himself over to Klaus for the cure. He's sacrificed everything for his brother, including Elena. Kat says it's okay to love them both. She did. Damon and Elena exchange semi guilty glances. I mean it's cool if one of them is dying right? NO.

Klaus is putting Elijah in a coffin and says they're leaving town tonight. He and Stefan talk. Stefan is going to help him track down Kat. Stefan asks what he really wants. Klaus says all in good time. "Once we leave this tragic little town." Klaus brings out a girl first and bites into her neck. He makes Stefan chase and kill her. Oh damn. Why do I like evil Stefan? Camera shake was terrible tho… Shitty effects. God. But I mean…Stefan's pretty kick ass right now. FINALLY some depth for him! Klaus says now they can go.

Cut to Jeremy asleep and I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. Something is about to go horribly wrong… A shadow passes over him with…a cheetah sound effect? OMG. Are you serious? It's like just when you think it can't get any worse… There's another shadow and a floorboard creak. Jeremy asks if it's Alaric and gets out of bed. Sinking feeling still present. It's obviously not Ric. Come on. Okay. I need a minute. I really need a minute.

Jeremy goes downstairs. We see Vicki following him. Everybody hold onto your shit. Yes. I said Vicki. Vicki I never know if I'm fucking spelling her name right Donovan. She says his name, he turns, she's gone. He turns again and sees Anna! Turns again, and there's Vicki.

Title card.

I don't even know right now. I don't even know.

They both apparently came back with him?

This has almost unlimited potential.

If they just don't fuck it up.

Definitely giving next season a shot…

I'll need to give this some thought.

First impression…pretty damn epic plot twist for our little Jer. I think I like it. I think it's the best thing they've done in a while.

One last thing…Team Anna or Team Vicki?

I don't even know…


End file.
